she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
