take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
