ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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