just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
