dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Pants are for mortals
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
