I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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