If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
