Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
