We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
