There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize