I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
