i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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