got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
