I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
