I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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