great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
