I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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