She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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