The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
