Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize