He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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