I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
