Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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