I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
