my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
