I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
