Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
