Who did Billy Mays play for?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
