Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
