I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Dick very happy bro
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize