i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize