I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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