I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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