made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
my poor anus
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
