I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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