saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
