Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
