i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
