How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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