just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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