apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize