I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
