A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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