Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
