eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
