no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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