my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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