you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
