Four minutes until I can fart!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
