bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
