I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
