I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
