she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
