I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
