and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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