Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
